Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
