party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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