I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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