He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
