Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
