i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
