I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
