I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
