I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The feeling are messing with the penis
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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