i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
