You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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