just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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