Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
