I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
