you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
