He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
