I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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