why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
