tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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