only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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