i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
