for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
