I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
