There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
That's intense
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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