so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize