I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
