I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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