Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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