I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
