Sry I called you an 8
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
