Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
