Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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