I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
