somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
