my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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