And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
