Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
