Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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