Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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