Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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