My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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