According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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