I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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