i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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