How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize