No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
