If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
