I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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