Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
