I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
