new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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