Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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