dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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