Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Everclear isn't food dammit
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize