you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
