i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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