dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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