I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
