Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
