i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
